Posts Tagged ‘listening’

CHANGING BEHAVIOR - Author: Georgianna Donadio

Thursday, May 31st, 2012

Following is an excerpt from the newly published book, “Changing Behavior,” by Georgianna Donadio.? It’s really all about applying the Golden Rule and treating others with respect and love.? I recently read this book and recommend it highly!

Chapter Two:? Transforming Relationships with Behavioral Engagement and Pure Presence

A Step by Step Review of Behavioral Engagement Skills:

The role?of? Behavioral Engagement is to provide communication skills that will strengthen and enrich relationships and avoid having your interactions take a detour into conflict and misunderstanding.? Whether you are communicating with your significant other, a co-worker, boss, mother-in-law or friend, the skills of BE can be applied to all relationship communications.

Step One:? Begin by clearing out any stress or distraction we might be experiencing that day and focus on the oportunity of having a communication with another person which will result in a positive outcome for both individuals.? Enter into the communication in a centered, receptive, respectful, mindful, non-judgmental, fully and purely present, and compassionate state; as an equal and having the desire to maintain being this way with the other person throughout the entire communication.

Step Two:? It is important to be physically comfortable and relaxed.? Identify any physical distraction that might cause you to lose your attention, focus or center.? If you fidget, look away, answer your cell phone, this will be distracting to the person you are with and will communicate to them that you are not fully present in the conversation.?

Step Three:? Posture your eye contact with the other person to facilitate pure presence in your communication.? Eye contact is soft and soothing, never aggressive or probing.? The way you look at the other person communicates your inner dialogue.

Step Four:??Check your intention.? Throughout your communication, keeping your intention open, centered, and non-judgmental is an important part of creating the desired state of pure presence with the other person.

Step Five:? If you requested to have this conversation with the other person, you might begin the exchange with respectful inquiry, asking them what his or her feelings are regarding the matter that you wish to clarify.? Your intention and eye contact will signal to them that you are sincerely interested in hearing how they feel and what they have to say.

Step Six:? Be responsive without interjecting.? Do not probe, ask questions or interrupt.

Step Seven:? Respect and welcome the silence between the words.? In this special time of silence, we may catch a glimpse at our subconscious feelings and awareness.?

Step Eight:? Be patient - with yourself and the other person during the Behavioral Engagement process.?

Step Nine:? Your intention will become your agenda, so be honest with yourself about what your motive is for entering into the conversation.

Step Ten:? At some point in the conversation you will verbally respond to the other person and it is important that you use the “I” statements to express your feelings.

Step Eleven:? Allow for discovery.? One of the transformational components of BE is that if you remain true to the model and stay in your pure presence center, you will make discoveries that will shift you emotionally.

Step Twelve:? Keep trying, and do not give up on your skills development.? Once you are exposed to BE and experience the transformational power it has for yourself and your relationships, you will want to perfect it.?

Research and statistics demonstrate that relationships are critical to our health, happiness and longevity.? Published studies note that people who are in significant relationships live longer than people who are not.

Relationships - we want them and need them.? Learning how to have better relationships is as much a part of staying healthy as eating good food, getting enough sleep and exercising regularly.

“Would you rather be loved or be right?”? If we want to be in relationships with others, it is important to understand that after survival, the human priority is to belong; to be loved rather than to be right or be in control.? We want and need nourishing and loving companionship.


Judging Listening Strengths

Monday, May 7th, 2012

?I just have to make good listening my goal.?

When I asked the question, ?What are your strengths as a listener??? no one mentioned anything related to Judging.? It seems that Js don?t get much help from their Judging when it comes to listening, and that Judging tendencies are just something they have to manage.

That made me think about my own Judging function.? Is it really a deficit when it comes to being a good listener?? It?s such an asset in so many other ways.? It helps me keep my life organized and take care of others.? It helps me set goals and work steadily toward them, making it possible to do just about anything I want to do, like go on a trip to Europe with my family, finish writing a book or even learn how to use the espresso machine I got for Christmas.?????

?Wait!? If my J allows me to be good at reaching goals, maybe that?s what can help me be a better listener.? I just have to make good listening my goal.? Or, I can change the goals I used to have into good listening goals.? Instead of the goal to ?Give my opinion? why not have the goal, ?See it from their point of view.?? Instead of the goal to ?Solve their problem? why not have the goal, ?Let them know you understand their problem.?

Js like to make ?to-do? lists, so why don?t I make a ?to-do? list about listening, of all the techniques that have come up in these issues.? Then, after I?ve followed all the points on the list, I can have the satisfaction of checking off one more conversation where I?ve accomplished my goal of being a good listener.? I can feel proud of one more time where I really opened myself up to another person, and let them know that they are not alone in this life.? someday I may even meet my ultimate goal, which is to do those things on my list so naturally that I?m not even thinking about them.

So we Js do have a strength when it comes to listening.? If we put ?Be a good listener? on our ?to-do? list, if we make it our goal, well then, we?ll probably pull it off.


What Do The Best Listeners Do? What Do The Worst Listeners Do?

Tuesday, February 28th, 2012

The best listeners give you their time.

The best listeners send the message that you can take as long as you want to get your thoughts out.? They are listening, and will continue to listen until you are finished.

?My girlfriend, Paula, an INFP, is the best listener I know,? says Pam, INTJ.? ?She lets me go through the whole shebang without interrupting.????

?The best listener I know is an INFJ who became my mentor,? says, Dee, ENTP.? ?When she listens, she doesn?t intervene a lot while you are telling your story.? She lets you get your narrative well said.?

?My INFP daughter is the best listener I know,? says Catherine, ENTJ.? ?She waits to hear the whole story, even though it?s often a complicated story with lots of layers.?

?My INFJ mother is one of the best listeners in my life,? says Dan, ESTP.? ?She takes the time to actually hear what I?m saying.? I solve problems best by talking about them, and I usually have to talk a lot before I get to a final thought.? It helps me when people take the time to really listen to everything that I have to say.?

?My father was an INFP and he was an excellent listener,? says Anna, ISFP.? ?It?s important that someone give me a chance to speak, and he would sit patiently and let me get through the whole idea.? With some people, when I stop to take a breath, they take off on their own story.?

The worst listeners don?t give you their time.

The worst listeners send the message that if you can?t get your thoughts out quickly, you?re not going to get them out.? They interrupt or cut you off.? You can sense their impatience and lack of interest.

?One member of an executive team, an ENTP, is one of the poorest listeners I know,? says Craig, ENFP.? ?He?ll just voice right over you, and doesn?t even wait for you to breathe.? I?m trying to make a point and he?s already not paying any attention to it.?

?The worst listener in my life is my ESTJ friend,? says Chip, ESFP.? ?She wants closure so quickly that she?ll finish my sentence for me.? I?ll go ?Wait a minute, that isn?t what I was saying.??

?The worst listener in my life is my ENFJ colleague,? says John, ENTP.? ?She gets impatient with how long it takes me to finish my thoughts, and she just cuts me off and takes the conversation over.?

The best listeners give you their attention.

The best listeners send the message that nothing else in the room, or in their life, is as interesting to them as what you are saying.? They look you in the eyes when you?re talking; they appear alert, attentive and focused.

?One of the best listeners in my life is my friend, an ENFJ, says Carolyn, INFP.? ?When she listens, she pays attention to you.? She?s not distracted or marking time.?

?The best listener in my life is my INTJ husband, and he can be remarkably focused,? says Marthanne, ENFJ.? ?When I?m telling him something that is very important to me, he?s right there; he?s not trying to do something else.?

?A friend of mine growing up was an ISTP,? says Craig, ENFP.? ?He had a laser-like ability to listen.? When I was talking, he was there.? His mind wasn?t anywhere else.? He didn?t say affirming words, but his attention would affirm me.?

Two people who worked with Mary McCaulley, the co-founder of the Center for Applications of Psychological Type, said that she was the best listener they had ever known.? McCaulley, an INFP, passed away in 2003.

?When you talked to her, you felt like you were the only person on earth,? says Jamie, ISTJ.? ?She wasn?t thinking about the next thing she had to do; her mind wasn?t elsewhere.?

?No matter who she was listening to, it could be a scientist who studied mangroves in the florida Everglades, she looked like that was the most important topic in the world at the time,? says Anna, ISFP.? ?When she listened, she was captivated.? She couldn?t wait to hear the next sentence from you and was truly interested in what you were saying.? With as much wisdom and knowledge as she had, she always looked like she might be learning something from you.?

The worst listeners don?t give you their attention.

While you are talking, the worst listeners send the message that they?re not really interested, and it?s a struggle for them to pay attention.? You can hear that they?d much rather talk than listen.

?One of the worst listeners I know is an old girlfriend, an INFJ,? says Paul, ESFJ.? ?Whenever I would tell her something about what I was doing, I?d feel like it was really boring to her, and I?d end up not liking what I was talking about.? Once she was really excited about her music, so I said, ?Have you heard of this band?? She said, ?No,? and went on talking about the music she liked.? I was completely shot down.?

?One of the worst listeners in my life is my friend, Justy, and I think he?s an INTP,? says Dan, ESTP.? ?When I get done talking, he doesn?t say anything, or he?ll say, ?Yeah, OK, that?s interesting.?? It?s a flat response as opposed to a two-way conversation.? I get the impression that he would rather talk about something else.?

?Some of the people in our organization seem to have a hard time hearing me in meetings,? says Jamie, ISTJ.? ?Their new ideas are flying so fast that the points I?m trying to make come out sounding irrelevant or they?re just not computed.? I don?t have a lot of grand ideas, but I do have input that might definitely matter if it could be heard.?

?I might tell my friend that I just got back from Las Vegas, and right away, she?ll tell me that when she went, she lost all her money and had a really horrible time,? says Patty, ESTJ.? ?She doesn?t seem interested at all in hearing about my trip.?

?One of the worst listeners in my life is my ENFP friend,? says Janet, INFJ.? ?She just talks non-stop, and then, when she realizes that she?s talked too much, she asks me some questions about myself.? But I can hear that it?s an effort for her, and she?s not really interested in what I say.?

?The worst listener in my life is my Extraverted friend,? says Susan, ISFJ.? ?She calls up and starts out by asking me how things are going in my life, but she quickly gets diverted to all her issues, and never asks me anything else about me.? She might talk for a half hour, but then, when I start to talk, she?ll suddenly have to get off the phone.?